when keeping it real really does go wrong

When I got married almost six years ago I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

We took the classy way out and and got married before we ever met each other's parents. Yes. We are idiots.

When my husband told me that his mother called white people "white devil" I thought it was funny until I realized she actually thought it was true.

When I was pregnant with my son I got enormous. My husband would call me "lunchbox" or "tons of fun". It was funny. Sorta. After my son was born my mother-in-law came into town to help us out for about a week. Upon seeing me and my son when he was about a day old she says to me He's so tiny and you are so big. What happened? Uuummm...really? Due to the 34 hours of labor and the c-section that followed, I just sat there stunned and might have even chuckled. I apparently also caused his jaundice from stealing all of his nutrients.

During a recent visit she once again showered us with her kindness and wisdom:

Oh Ethan is too skinny! I don't think you are feeding him enough. Are you eating all of his food?

No. Not all of his food. Just most of it.

Yes. She was serious. No I am not making this up. I only wish I was.

Apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When we went to see my husband's grandmother in the hospital, she thought it was important to let us know that Wow the both of you are getting bigger. Huh! Apparently nothing can stop these people, even surgery.

Other bits of wisdom:

Air conditioning causes fevers

Ethan is throwing up today (Sunday) because he ate too much at school on Friday.

Are you done throwing up? Come drink this warm milk.

What did you guys do to the dog? Her eyes are smaller. They were bigger when I had her.

Why is the dog's collar so thick? It is cutting off her airway.

I know what you're thinking and I agree. She should totally have her own advice column.