Wednesday, February 22

things i never thought i'd say to another human

You know what's bullshit?  When people find out that you're going to be a parent and say dumb as shit like "Oh get ready!  You're life's gonna change!"  Really dipshit?  

You know what changes your life?  A DVR. 

 You know what takes every thing you knew about life, modesty and common sense and totally demolishes it? Kids.

There are things that we've all had to say to our kids that are utterly ridiculous and usually something that you never thought you'd have to say. Ever.  Most people keep these things a secret out of respect for their kid's privacy or in hopes that they will maintain some sort of dignity.  

Luckily for you I don't have any dignity.  I have compiled a list of things that I've had to say to my seven year old over the years.

1.  Please zip your pants.  You can't leave the house with your front door open everyday.  No, that doesn't mean you can leave with your zipper down some days.

2.  No, I don't think you will turn into a chicken.  You're a human.  No, I don't think if you try your best it will happen.

3.  Yes, you are Chinese.  No, I'm not Chinese.  I'm really not joking you.  Fine, I'll pinky swear that it's true.

4.  Please don't reach into the toilet and try to unclog it with your hand.  

5.  If you're in you room and you start bleeding, you have to stop playing and come get me.

6.  How did you get a black eye playing with Leggos?

I know I'm not the only one that has had to say ridiculous crap to their kids.  Come on.  Make me feel better. 

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