Thursday, May 10

operation get smart

Twelve years ago on an insanely hot day in September, my friends drove me to the Navy recruiter so I could "Let the journey begin".  Or as I like to call it "operation get money for college".  When I was nineteen I had big dreams of seeing awesome shit, going to college, and always being able to button my pants on the first try.  So far only one of those has come true.

Twelve years later, thanks to my Uncle Sam I'm finally crossing another item off the list.  That's right folks in June, at 31 years old, big mama's going to college.

There are so many lessons that I hope my son learns from this.

1.  Go to college before you have real grown up bills.

2.  It's scary as hell to uproot your life and move 200 miles, but let your kid help you pick out shower curtains to distract them from your nervousness.  It works.  I hope.

3.  It's dumb to be nervous about uprooting your life and moving 200 miles.  Just do the damn thing.

4.  Your mom and dad are awesome people who aren't afraid to make big ass changes in order to brighten the future of their spawn.

In two months when I'm eating, sleeping, and screaming biology please remind me why I decided to combine several of life's most stressful moments into one big douchey stress casserole.

Wednesday, February 22

things i never thought i'd say to another human

You know what's bullshit?  When people find out that you're going to be a parent and say dumb as shit like "Oh get ready!  You're life's gonna change!"  Really dipshit?  

You know what changes your life?  A DVR. 

 You know what takes every thing you knew about life, modesty and common sense and totally demolishes it? Kids.

There are things that we've all had to say to our kids that are utterly ridiculous and usually something that you never thought you'd have to say. Ever.  Most people keep these things a secret out of respect for their kid's privacy or in hopes that they will maintain some sort of dignity.  

Luckily for you I don't have any dignity.  I have compiled a list of things that I've had to say to my seven year old over the years.

1.  Please zip your pants.  You can't leave the house with your front door open everyday.  No, that doesn't mean you can leave with your zipper down some days.

2.  No, I don't think you will turn into a chicken.  You're a human.  No, I don't think if you try your best it will happen.

3.  Yes, you are Chinese.  No, I'm not Chinese.  I'm really not joking you.  Fine, I'll pinky swear that it's true.

4.  Please don't reach into the toilet and try to unclog it with your hand.  

5.  If you're in you room and you start bleeding, you have to stop playing and come get me.

6.  How did you get a black eye playing with Leggos?

I know I'm not the only one that has had to say ridiculous crap to their kids.  Come on.  Make me feel better. 

Friday, June 10

seven years...

Seven years ago today I did this.

Seven years!

Seven years ago today my last name changed, forever confusing people in waiting rooms who were looking for some precious Asian lady and instead got some huge white trash chick.

My "mother" has been married seven times and I've managed to pull off a marriage for seven years.  It baffles me.

Marriage isn't always marshmallows and rainbows.  I'm just glad I haven't messed it up too bad yet.

Well, here's to another seven...minutes, days, months or years.

Happy Anniversary Kai!

Monday, June 6

i made a poll. please vote or my dad will have to vote like 50 times so i don't cry

Whenever I don't post for a while I always feel pressure to make my first post back super awesome.

Unfortunately this isn't one of those times.  I just wanted to let you know that I am back.  My sensasianal  lover got me a new laptop.  Get it?  He's Asian and sensational.  Sensasianal.  Except now all I see in the word is anal.  I should not be allowed to make up words.

Anyway, hopefully I won't break this laptop like I did the other one two.

To show my appreciation for those of you who take time out of your day to read my mindless jabbering I thought I would let you choose what you would like to hear about first.  I've created a poll and posted it on the top right corner.  Vote as many times as you want.  I have no idea when voting ends, but probably sometime this week and I will post the story shortly afterwards.

Please vote so I don't feel lame.  I've always wanted to create a poll so don't ruin this for me.

If you are viewing this in a reader or e-mail there is a poll on the site.  Please visit to vote.

Sunday, May 8

happy mother's day 2011 i got you a video of a dancing maniac

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  It wasn't because of my marital status .  It was probably due to my relationship with my mother.

I've been in the mothering game for a little over six years now.  I would like to say it gets easier, but I don't think it does.  Instead of worrying about what kind of diapers to buy, you worry about sending him off to school and hoping some douche bag doesn't pick on him.

Ethan, is an awesome person.  I'm 95% certain I would still say that even if  I hadn't gone through 34 hours of labor and a c-section to bring him into this world.  He is kind, smart and funny.  Basically, he makes my job as his mother easy.

I'm honored that he is the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day.

Anyone that is not embarrassed to bust out dancing in the middle of a clothing store while their mother secretly records them is okay in my book.  The most awesome part of this is that he had never heard this song before, but he totally rocked it.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the real mothers out there.  I hope that you don't go out of your mind.

Wednesday, May 4

i should have gotten a fish

I hate walking my dog at night.  I get all paranoid that someone is going to jump out try and rob me just as I'm bending down to pick up some poop or someone will snatch me and all that will be left is my dog wandering around eating dog poop that other assholes didn't pick up.  She's no Lassie so I would pretty much be screwed.

Sometimes I talk on the phone so any douche rocket muggers know there will be a semi-witness to their crime.  Other times my Dad is too cool to answer the phone so I am able to really focus on my surroundings, which is what I should probably be doing anyway.  

One night last week I was walking the pooch when I noticed a flash of light above me.  Of course I'm nosy and looked up to find out what the hell was going on.  

It was a lady on the second story of an apartment building fixing her blinds and curtains. Topless.  As in her utters were hanging out in all of their gravity stricken glory for everyone to see.  

I am pretty sure I got whiplash from looking down at the ground so fast.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pause and stare at me for like thirty seconds.  I had so many things running through my traumatized brain.  Who the hell pauses to make sure there is really someone outside?  Who the hell told this "lady" that if you are on the second floor people can't see you?  Where is my kidnapper?  She should look into spray tanning.  Why has gravity been so cruel to her?  Why the fuck is my dog pooping at a time like this?  

I wonder if I tell Kai about my free show he will start walking the dog at night...

Tuesday, April 26

i'm the next andy warhol

My kid has soccer practice on Tuesdays, which is totally pointless. They all still use their hands and kick the ball into the other team's goal and I'm not allowed to laugh, because the other mothers are way too sensitive.

After practice today we went to the grocery store for Cadbury Creme Eggs, breakfast sandwiches, TV dinners, Red Bull, grapes and water.* I didn't make a list for this crap it just ended up in my basket. I know you are totally judging me just like the super soccer mom we ran into who only had Diet Pepsi in her cart.

On the way home from my nutritional shopping expedition some maniac was pedaling his bicycle like a raging bat out of hell across four lanes of traffic and almost t-boned me.

I really wanted you to feel like you were there so I drew a picture.

To save time I'll answer your questions now. Yes, my eyes were open while drawing this. No, I do not drive a spaceship with ears.


I was outraged and curious about what drugs this guy was on.

Me: Oh my goodness! What was that guy thinking?

Ethan: Obviously he was thinking he wanted to get hit by a car today. Is he crazy we are in a car and he is on a bike?

This my friends was the debut of a true smart ass. My legacy will live on.**

*The grapes were for show.
**I probably should look into a new legacy.


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