Monday, November 25

Get your party hats y'all

The name of this blog was born from a joke I had made many years ago in reference to my lady lumps.  It appears now that I really am crazy up top.

I've been having some random medical crap going on and have seen several doctors who have ordered expensive tests in an effort to put a label on my situation.  Did you know that an MRI costs $2000? I didn't. Did you know that it costs $3500 for someone to places dozens of wires on you and watch you sleep in a fake bedroom?

I've been diagnosed with something that I'd only heard about in one of those commercials advertising a medication with about 1 million side effects that seem worse than the actual condition they are trying to relieve.

It was a Tuesday when I walked into a waiting room full of people that could have been my grandparents.  After waiting for an hour I had made up my mind that it was stupid and I shouldn't be there.  Thirty minutes later a middle aged Asian man with a nice smile was telling me that I wasn't crazy and the things that have been going on in my body has a name.  Fibromyalgia.  That's what he said before nonchalantly writing prescriptions for three medications that I never knew existed and sending me on my way.  If you're reading this and wondering what the hell fibromyalgia is, then you are not alone sir or ma'am.

This is what I know about it:  it's made me feel 30 years older. It's made me feel incompetent in everything I do.  It's made me shitty at a job I've done for almost seven fucking years.  It's made me feel grateful that I've met one person who understands what this bullshit is.  It's made me realize how lucky I am that my bosses are kind even when they probably shouldn't be.

From what I've read online the verdict is still out on Fibromyalgia being a "real" condition.  Many people, doctors included think it's a bullshit diagnoses.  Frankly, I do too.  I don't know if it's real, but it feels real.  The three medications I'm on have made pretending that I'm not constantly in pain a little easier so that's a bonus.

If you came here looking for the funny don't worry.  The funny will return. Big mama just needed to vent.  Thanks for coming to my pity party!

Thursday, May 10

operation get smart

Twelve years ago on an insanely hot day in September, my friends drove me to the Navy recruiter so I could "Let the journey begin".  Or as I like to call it "operation get money for college".  When I was nineteen I had big dreams of seeing awesome shit, going to college, and always being able to button my pants on the first try.  So far only one of those has come true.

Twelve years later, thanks to my Uncle Sam I'm finally crossing another item off the list.  That's right folks in June, at 31 years old, big mama's going to college.

There are so many lessons that I hope my son learns from this.

1.  Go to college before you have real grown up bills.

2.  It's scary as hell to uproot your life and move 200 miles, but let your kid help you pick out shower curtains to distract them from your nervousness.  It works.  I hope.

3.  It's dumb to be nervous about uprooting your life and moving 200 miles.  Just do the damn thing.

4.  Your mom and dad are awesome people who aren't afraid to make big ass changes in order to brighten the future of their spawn.

In two months when I'm eating, sleeping, and screaming biology please remind me why I decided to combine several of life's most stressful moments into one big douchey stress casserole.

Wednesday, February 22

things i never thought i'd say to another human

You know what's bullshit?  When people find out that you're going to be a parent and say dumb as shit like "Oh get ready!  You're life's gonna change!"  Really dipshit?  

You know what changes your life?  A DVR. 

 You know what takes every thing you knew about life, modesty and common sense and totally demolishes it? Kids.

There are things that we've all had to say to our kids that are utterly ridiculous and usually something that you never thought you'd have to say. Ever.  Most people keep these things a secret out of respect for their kid's privacy or in hopes that they will maintain some sort of dignity.  

Luckily for you I don't have any dignity.  I have compiled a list of things that I've had to say to my seven year old over the years.

1.  Please zip your pants.  You can't leave the house with your front door open everyday.  No, that doesn't mean you can leave with your zipper down some days.

2.  No, I don't think you will turn into a chicken.  You're a human.  No, I don't think if you try your best it will happen.

3.  Yes, you are Chinese.  No, I'm not Chinese.  I'm really not joking you.  Fine, I'll pinky swear that it's true.

4.  Please don't reach into the toilet and try to unclog it with your hand.  

5.  If you're in you room and you start bleeding, you have to stop playing and come get me.

6.  How did you get a black eye playing with Leggos?

I know I'm not the only one that has had to say ridiculous crap to their kids.  Come on.  Make me feel better. 

Friday, June 10

seven years...

Seven years ago today I did this.

Seven years!

Seven years ago today my last name changed, forever confusing people in waiting rooms who were looking for some precious Asian lady and instead got some huge white trash chick.

My "mother" has been married seven times and I've managed to pull off a marriage for seven years.  It baffles me.

Marriage isn't always marshmallows and rainbows.  I'm just glad I haven't messed it up too bad yet.

Well, here's to another seven...minutes, days, months or years.

Happy Anniversary Kai!


Monday, June 6

i made a poll. please vote or my dad will have to vote like 50 times so i don't cry

Whenever I don't post for a while I always feel pressure to make my first post back super awesome.

Unfortunately this isn't one of those times.  I just wanted to let you know that I am back.  My sensasianal  lover got me a new laptop.  Get it?  He's Asian and sensational.  Sensasianal.  Except now all I see in the word is anal.  I should not be allowed to make up words.

Anyway, hopefully I won't break this laptop like I did the other one two.

To show my appreciation for those of you who take time out of your day to read my mindless jabbering I thought I would let you choose what you would like to hear about first.  I've created a poll and posted it on the top right corner.  Vote as many times as you want.  I have no idea when voting ends, but probably sometime this week and I will post the story shortly afterwards.

Please vote so I don't feel lame.  I've always wanted to create a poll so don't ruin this for me.

If you are viewing this in a reader or e-mail there is a poll on the site.  Please visit to vote.

Sunday, May 8

happy mother's day 2011 i got you a video of a dancing maniac

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  It wasn't because of my marital status .  It was probably due to my relationship with my mother.

I've been in the mothering game for a little over six years now.  I would like to say it gets easier, but I don't think it does.  Instead of worrying about what kind of diapers to buy, you worry about sending him off to school and hoping some douche bag doesn't pick on him.

Ethan, is an awesome person.  I'm 95% certain I would still say that even if  I hadn't gone through 34 hours of labor and a c-section to bring him into this world.  He is kind, smart and funny.  Basically, he makes my job as his mother easy.

I'm honored that he is the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day.

Anyone that is not embarrassed to bust out dancing in the middle of a clothing store while their mother secretly records them is okay in my book.  The most awesome part of this is that he had never heard this song before, but he totally rocked it.



Happy Mother's Day to all of the real mothers out there.  I hope that you don't go out of your mind.

Wednesday, May 4

i should have gotten a fish

I hate walking my dog at night.  I get all paranoid that someone is going to jump out try and rob me just as I'm bending down to pick up some poop or someone will snatch me and all that will be left is my dog wandering around eating dog poop that other assholes didn't pick up.  She's no Lassie so I would pretty much be screwed.

Sometimes I talk on the phone so any douche rocket muggers know there will be a semi-witness to their crime.  Other times my Dad is too cool to answer the phone so I am able to really focus on my surroundings, which is what I should probably be doing anyway.  

One night last week I was walking the pooch when I noticed a flash of light above me.  Of course I'm nosy and looked up to find out what the hell was going on.  

It was a lady on the second story of an apartment building fixing her blinds and curtains. Topless.  As in her utters were hanging out in all of their gravity stricken glory for everyone to see.  

I am pretty sure I got whiplash from looking down at the ground so fast.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pause and stare at me for like thirty seconds.  I had so many things running through my traumatized brain.  Who the hell pauses to make sure there is really someone outside?  Who the hell told this "lady" that if you are on the second floor people can't see you?  Where is my kidnapper?  She should look into spray tanning.  Why has gravity been so cruel to her?  Why the fuck is my dog pooping at a time like this?  

I wonder if I tell Kai about my free show he will start walking the dog at night...

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