seven years...

Seven years ago today I did this.

Seven years!

Seven years ago today my last name changed, forever confusing people in waiting rooms who were looking for some precious Asian lady and instead got some huge white trash chick.

My "mother" has been married seven times and I've managed to pull off a marriage for seven years.  It baffles me.

Marriage isn't always marshmallows and rainbows.  I'm just glad I haven't messed it up too bad yet.

Well, here's to another seven...minutes, days, months or years.

Happy Anniversary Kai!

i made a poll. please vote or my dad will have to vote like 50 times so i don't cry

Whenever I don't post for a while I always feel pressure to make my first post back super awesome.

Unfortunately this isn't one of those times.  I just wanted to let you know that I am back.  My sensasianal  lover got me a new laptop.  Get it?  He's Asian and sensational.  Sensasianal.  Except now all I see in the word is anal.  I should not be allowed to make up words.

Anyway, hopefully I won't break this laptop like I did the other one two.

To show my appreciation for those of you who take time out of your day to read my mindless jabbering I thought I would let you choose what you would like to hear about first.  I've created a poll and posted it on the top right corner.  Vote as many times as you want.  I have no idea when voting ends, but probably sometime this week and I will post the story shortly afterwards.

Please vote so I don't feel lame.  I've always wanted to create a poll so don't ruin this for me.

If you are viewing this in a reader or e-mail there is a poll on the site.  Please visit to vote.

happy mother's day 2011 i got you a video of a dancing maniac

When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified.  It wasn't because of my marital status .  It was probably due to my relationship with my mother.

I've been in the mothering game for a little over six years now.  I would like to say it gets easier, but I don't think it does.  Instead of worrying about what kind of diapers to buy, you worry about sending him off to school and hoping some douche bag doesn't pick on him.

Ethan, is an awesome person.  I'm 95% certain I would still say that even if  I hadn't gone through 34 hours of labor and a c-section to bring him into this world.  He is kind, smart and funny.  Basically, he makes my job as his mother easy.

I'm honored that he is the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day.

Anyone that is not embarrassed to bust out dancing in the middle of a clothing store while their mother secretly records them is okay in my book.  The most awesome part of this is that he had never heard this song before, but he totally rocked it.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the real mothers out there.  I hope that you don't go out of your mind.

i should have gotten a fish

I hate walking my dog at night.  I get all paranoid that someone is going to jump out try and rob me just as I'm bending down to pick up some poop or someone will snatch me and all that will be left is my dog wandering around eating dog poop that other assholes didn't pick up.  She's no Lassie so I would pretty much be screwed.

Sometimes I talk on the phone so any douche rocket muggers know there will be a semi-witness to their crime.  Other times my Dad is too cool to answer the phone so I am able to really focus on my surroundings, which is what I should probably be doing anyway.  

One night last week I was walking the pooch when I noticed a flash of light above me.  Of course I'm nosy and looked up to find out what the hell was going on.  

It was a lady on the second story of an apartment building fixing her blinds and curtains. Topless.  As in her utters were hanging out in all of their gravity stricken glory for everyone to see.  

I am pretty sure I got whiplash from looking down at the ground so fast.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pause and stare at me for like thirty seconds.  I had so many things running through my traumatized brain.  Who the hell pauses to make sure there is really someone outside?  Who the hell told this "lady" that if you are on the second floor people can't see you?  Where is my kidnapper?  She should look into spray tanning.  Why has gravity been so cruel to her?  Why the fuck is my dog pooping at a time like this?  

I wonder if I tell Kai about my free show he will start walking the dog at night...

i'm the next andy warhol

My kid has soccer practice on Tuesdays, which is totally pointless. They all still use their hands and kick the ball into the other team's goal and I'm not allowed to laugh, because the other mothers are way too sensitive.

After practice today we went to the grocery store for Cadbury Creme Eggs, breakfast sandwiches, TV dinners, Red Bull, grapes and water.* I didn't make a list for this crap it just ended up in my basket. I know you are totally judging me just like the super soccer mom we ran into who only had Diet Pepsi in her cart.

On the way home from my nutritional shopping expedition some maniac was pedaling his bicycle like a raging bat out of hell across four lanes of traffic and almost t-boned me.

I really wanted you to feel like you were there so I drew a picture.



To save time I'll answer your questions now. Yes, my eyes were open while drawing this. No, I do not drive a spaceship with ears.

Anyway.

I was outraged and curious about what drugs this guy was on.

Me: Oh my goodness! What was that guy thinking?

Ethan: Obviously he was thinking he wanted to get hit by a car today. Is he crazy we are in a car and he is on a bike?

This my friends was the debut of a true smart ass. My legacy will live on.**

*The grapes were for show.
**I probably should look into a new legacy.

kiss my ash

I called my Dad to ramble on about myself when the following not awkward at all conversation unfolded.

Hey Dad.  How's it going?

I've been thinking about what I want you do do with me when I die.

What? Were you just diagnosed with something?

No. No. I just want to be prepared. Plus I probably don't have long.


Dad! I'm calling your doctor.

I'm kidding. I do want you to cremate me and use the rest of my life insurance money for Ethan's college.


What if he doesn't go to college. Can we use it for bail money?

For who?  Ethan?

Yes Dad, I'm too precious for jail.

Yeah. Sure.  I've been looking online at prices and it usually runs about two thousand, but I've seen it as cheap at 900.

Wait.  You want me to discount cremate you?


Yeah.  What will I care?  I'll be dead.


Do you want me to do anything special with your ashes?

I can't think of anything.


Oh. Ok. I'll just put them on my nightstand.

No don't do that what if you knock it over?


Yeah, you're right. I am really clumsy. Then I'll have to vacuum you back up and there will be lint and dog food mixed in. That would be weird.

I was thinking of giving you a list of people and having you throw a handful of my ashes in their faces.


Oooohh. That is a good idea.  Or I can put you on my TV stand like my friend Nicola did for her mom, then when I go on road trips I'll put you in the backseat with Ethan.

Sure.  Just put my favorite shows on when you go to work.  Don't get me a fancy urn.  Don't let anyone guilt you into it.

Great dad.  I'll just discount cremate you and carry you around in a ziploc bag.  Classy.


I know what I want for the inscription on my urn.

Oh ok.  I'll write it down.


Kiss my ash.

do not let me near your electronics

A couple of years ago I decided to save money and make coffee at home. I did not take into account my extreme clumsiness and accidentally spilled coffee on my laptop's keyboard. I pretty much turned a fifty cent cup of coffee into a $150 profit for Best Buy. That's how I roll.

In December my laptop turned on me. It would only charge when it wanted to or when I would wiggle the cable in just the right way. A couple of weeks later it stopped charging completely and now is a useless douche nugget.

I haven't been able to blog to the delight of many.*

Luckily for me I received an early V-Day and B-Day gift that is enabling me to peruse and abuse the interwebs again.**

*Basically, I'm writing this post to test a fancy schmancy blogging app I downloaded. Hopefully this post does not disappear after I hit publish.

**You can send all hate mail to my husband.