Sunday, December 19

i will never be a track star and i'm pretty sure michael jordan hates me

My husband loves Michael Jordan. Do you know what he loves more than Michael Jordan?  Michael Jordan's shoes.  If there was a fire and Kai could save me or his Jordans, I am pretty sure I would be shit out of luck.  

Jordans are usually released on Saturdays.  Of course Kai works on Saturdays so I get to stand in line with all of the teenagers and pretend that I don't look ridiculous there.
Last year I stood in line outside of the mall for thirty minutes waiting for the doors to open.  As soon as the doors opened all of the people I was in line with took off running.  It was like we were at a track meet inside the mall and the prize was some overpriced shoes for my husband.  I had no other choice but to huff and puff my ass along with the teenage boys to the shoe store.  When I regained consciousness  got in line again I was informed that they didn't have his size.  It kinda made the whole running thing even more insane.

This past Saturday a different pair of shoes was being released.  I called the shoe store and found out they were opening at seven.  I didn't want to leave empty handed again so I decided to get there at 6:30.  Have you ever been in the mall at 6:30 on a Saturday?  It is really creepy.  You can't even use the regular entrance.  You have to take the one that the serial killers and burglars use. 

As I walked down the hallway of doom I was trying to decide which story I would tell about why I was there.  Would I go with the truth or pretend I was there to get the shoes as a gift for my teenage son?  When I got into the mall I was pissed.  There wasn't anyone else there.  Just me and the janitors.  Totally not awkward.  They kept staring at me and I was trying to look important in my Uggs and sweatpants.  I decided to play Angry Birds on my phone to make me look more official.
I stood there for twenty-five minutes listening to insanely loud Christmas music.  Why the hell was music even playing that early?  It was really hard for me not to yell out, you can wish me a shut your mouth and open this shoe store.

Finally, the salesperson strolled in and was apparently still drunk from the night before or perhaps delusional.

Wow I can't believe there isn't anyone else here.
You getting this for a Christmas gift?
Wow I wish someone would do something like that for me.  I wasn't sure if anyone would be here.  I almost stopped and got some breakfast.  
I'm glad you didn't.
Well I figure if Jesus can go forty days and forty nights without food I can go four hours.
Oh wow...uh you took it there huh?
I'm glad that I wasn't the only crazy one at the mall that morning.  

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