Wednesday, May 4

i should have gotten a fish

I hate walking my dog at night.  I get all paranoid that someone is going to jump out try and rob me just as I'm bending down to pick up some poop or someone will snatch me and all that will be left is my dog wandering around eating dog poop that other assholes didn't pick up.  She's no Lassie so I would pretty much be screwed.

Sometimes I talk on the phone so any douche rocket muggers know there will be a semi-witness to their crime.  Other times my Dad is too cool to answer the phone so I am able to really focus on my surroundings, which is what I should probably be doing anyway.  

One night last week I was walking the pooch when I noticed a flash of light above me.  Of course I'm nosy and looked up to find out what the hell was going on.  

It was a lady on the second story of an apartment building fixing her blinds and curtains. Topless.  As in her utters were hanging out in all of their gravity stricken glory for everyone to see.  

I am pretty sure I got whiplash from looking down at the ground so fast.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw her pause and stare at me for like thirty seconds.  I had so many things running through my traumatized brain.  Who the hell pauses to make sure there is really someone outside?  Who the hell told this "lady" that if you are on the second floor people can't see you?  Where is my kidnapper?  She should look into spray tanning.  Why has gravity been so cruel to her?  Why the fuck is my dog pooping at a time like this?  

I wonder if I tell Kai about my free show he will start walking the dog at night...

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